After 10 years of insurgency and the installation of a parallel government, I have decided to finally end this axis of dandruff and hair fall that has besieged my head. I have tried diplomacy, even used force (selesun) but both have been as fruitful as Paris reading the Bible. I have suffered under their odious rule for long but now my actions shall not flag or fail. I will not wait on events while dangers gather. I will not stand by as peril draws closer and closer. I shall not let dandruff threaten me with natural baldness. My grief over hair loss has turned to anger and anger to resolution. I shall strike down upon this scourge with great vengeance and furious anger.
During the past 4 years, I have been able to infiltrate enemy cadres using two trusted aides; baldness and cropped hair, short enough to make any colonel in the country proud. However, since my mother has charged me with “presentability” violations, I have had to get rid of both. There is new leadership at the helm which is pushing for cleanliness (daily baths). This will be the covert counter insurgency program to replace the operatives who have been unjustly dismissed recently. Inspired by the great leader George Bush, I have come to the conclusion that covert ops may have their benefits but are not as effective as a full scale war. As I prepare for war, I have upgraded my weapons systems and now have a full scale arsenal. The weapons at my disposable are as follows:
- Lime and
- Hot olive oil
- Selenium shampoo
- R89 and
- Tropical corticosteroid
The POA is to launch an offensive with both conventional and nuclear weapons every night, with a different combination so that the bastards have no clue what to expect. As for the other force of evil, hair loss, I have appointed Major Appu as the CO of Champi sector from where we shall launch daily offensives accompanied by carpet bombing of corticosteriod and olive oil twice a week. Our attacks henceforth shall be persistent and decisive. I have assembled the most potent arsenals known to man, consisting of both conventional and nuclear weapons. We shall fight them on the head and on shoulders, on air, land and sea.
My hair has passed a resolution proclaiming:
We will not be moved, we will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We are going to grow on. We fill flourish like tropical rain forests, we will shine and draw glory from our lustre.
No smoke for 17 days…